I love writing, I hate writing

{a guest post by Hannah}

I am writing my thesis at the moment and at the beginning of each chapter I go through the same routine. It goes something like this:

1. I get towards the end of my reading and get excited as I see my ideas coming together. Can’t wait to start writing but have to get to the end of what I’m doing

2. I finish the reading, decide I have absolutely no idea what I’m doing and have a small breakdown (usually with tears!)

3. My (very lovely) husband picks me up off the floor and tells me to be a brave mouse, to get back on my chair and start writing (and eventually I do)

I love writing. It is the cumulation of all the hard work that I have putting in. It is when I begin to see my ideas coming together and taking solid form and it is taking me one step closer to completing my thesis. So why do I hate it? For exactly the same reasons; if my work is written down then it is out in the open, people can scrutinise and judge it and, in the words of Winnie the pooh, ‘sometimes a thing which seems very thingish when it is in your head is not quite so thinginsh when it is out in the open and has other people looking at it’! I feel inadequate to be doing a PhD- at some point, someone is going to work out that I am a fraud.

I as much as anyone know that one of the problems of living in a broken world is that we never feel good enough. We seek approval from everyone except God and this can be damaging to ourselves and to our relationships. But God did make us in his image and he did make us to do great things, he doesn’t want us to be crippled by our own inadequacy and he does want us to live full and God honouring lives. Not feeling good enough can be crippling, but sometimes we just need to be brave, get back on our chair and carry on.

About hannahkgreen

Wife to Phil, PhD Geek, Music lover, Jesus follower, wanna be dancer, living my fairy tale!

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